The Courage to Be Disliked

The young man argues that Adlerian psychology encourages isolation. However, the philosopher explains that Adlerian psychology simply encourages people to untangle the threads that connect them to others. Holism is the idea that a person is one whole, not individual parts. The philosopher states that today, he’d like to explore the kinds of relationships that people should form with others.

The philosopher says that the point of interpersonal relationships is to develop “community feeling,” a concept that Adler defines as the feeling of having a place of refuge with one’s comrades. Adler includes past and present, objects, plants, and animals in the sense of community as well. The young man is confused, so the philosopher breaks the idea down into the smallest social unit: you and me. The starting point for community feeling is a shift from self-interest to concern for others, or social interest.

At the philosopher’s request to describe a self-centered individual, the man describes an egotistical tyrant like Shakespeare’s King Lear. The philosopher adds that another type is one who is obsessed with the approval of others. The young man himself acknowledges that he is self-centered in that he searches for others’ approval. The philosopher confirms that this is concern for oneself, not real concern for others.

Using the analogy of a globe, whose center can be anything depending on the viewer’s position, the philosopher explains that Adler’s community feeling only comes from making an intentional contribution to the community. Instead of asking “What will this person give me?” a person should ask, “What will I give to this person?” (171), acknowledging that they are not the center of the universe. The young man reluctantly begins accepting that he is self-centered, but he remains confused about Adler’s inclusion of inanimate objects in the concept of community feeling.

The philosopher tells the youth that the concept of community involves the whole universe. The principle is that if one’s relationships in a small community are not contributing to personal growth, then there are always bigger communities. A person’s small community should not define the way that they live.

The philosopher explains that Adlerian psychology rejects both rebuke and praise because they are forms of manipulation that position one person above the other. He explains Adler’s proposition that all relationships should be horizontal (equal but not the same) rather than vertical (one person above the other).

The philosopher explains that instead of giving praise, one must give encouragement. This method allows one to assist the person without intervening in their task. The youth disagrees, but the philosopher says that if he acts to earn praise, he is once again trying to live another person’s life. The young man admits that he is tired of trying to please his parents.

The philosopher tells the man that in order to do one’s tasks, a person must have courage. And in order to feel courage, people must feel like they have something to contribute. This is why words of thanks and gratitude are better than words of praise. The young man gets confused, and the philosopher offers a coffee break.

As the young man sips coffee, he feels like something is wrong. He begins to think about his grandfather.

The young man brings up his grandfather, who cannot be of use to anyone because he is bedridden and has dementia. The youth then asks if his grandfather cannot have courage because he cannot be of use. The philosopher explains that just by existing, one can be of use. It is only by starting from some perfect version of a person and subtracting points that a person seems to hold no inherent value.

Continuing on the topic of self-worth, the philosopher tells the man that he must start with one horizontal relationship in order for all his relationships to change. Even at work, he has the power and responsibility to confront the boss if the task that has been ordered does not succeed. Employer and employee do not have the same responsibilities, but they both have a say. Once again, the philosopher calls the young man his irreplaceable friend, and the youth admits that he is afraid to form a true friendship with the philosopher. He decides to go home for the night to think, but first, he says that he wants the philosopher to take apart his argument as much as he himself wants to take apart the philosopher’s argument.